i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
