If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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