i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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