I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
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