I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Randomize
