I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
