fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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