I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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