she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
