i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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