i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
