Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
