No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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