If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
