My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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