I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
PANTIES FOUND
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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