Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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