6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
