I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Randomize
