You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
