I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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