the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
