Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
