it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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