So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
