i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
