Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
