Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
