In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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