Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
