So drunk its hurt
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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