I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
