Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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