i just sent this text using only my big toe
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
