i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
