U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
