never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
