Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
