Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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