Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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