I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
