last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
