Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
it's like heaven, but drunker
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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