we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
soo... how was my night?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
