I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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