So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
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Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
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Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney