go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
