I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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