I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I smell like Dick and happiness
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
