i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
