I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
