Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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