It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
