dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
