woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
is wine microwaveable?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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