Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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