i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
