Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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