i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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