I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
